Notes – 11th August

- I’ve been as busy as a divorced bee – forwarding emails and cc’ing the wrong people. So much so that I’ve had ‘no time to stand and stare’. And since there hasn’t been any staring, there hasn’t been much blogging too. My to-do list is now officially longer than all the drafts of the JLB* put together.

– I had a brief encounter with IRCTC recently which will be discussed in greater detail later.

– In related news, I have successfully acquired tickets for Nagpur. I’ll be in the orange city for the Independence Day Long Weekend(IDLW). If you are around, give me a shoutout and come and meet me. I don’t have transport in Nagpur.

– Twitter relocated me to New Twitter. I am protesting by using DestroyTwitter. I tried TweetDeck for a while and was almost killed in the process. It is the most usable software in the world after iTunes. Thanks to it, my Firefox windows went ‘Not responding’ more frequently than Airtel Customer Service executives. After much experimentation(and harassment), I’ve finally settled with DestroyTwitter. It is beautiful, minimal and mostly efficient. It also has a real sluggish refresh rate, the minimum being 30 seconds. This forces you to reset your response time on Twitter and if you use Twitter web and DestroyTwitter side-by-side, it gives you a wonderful deja-thoo feeling. Still, I am sticking with DestroyTwitter for some time now.

– I have 850+ unread items on Google Reader. I am going to make it zero someday. Manually. *flexes carpel tunnels*

– I wanted to write a lot of stuff in this post, but can’t think of anything now.

(P.S: Sincere apologies to visitors who came here looking for ‘chennaites first sex’, ‘shweta bhabhi wid her neighbour’ and ‘boobs popping out in t nagar rush road’)

*Jan Lokpal Bill


Notes – 1st July

This blogpost doesn’t have a purpose. It is just a random assortment of facts and announcements. Here it goes:

– Half of 2011 is gone. If you are a Mayan, you have only six months to live. Wrap things the bollywood way: Find a non-mayan husband for your wife/girlfriend, organize their wedding, sing and dance and then die right before their honeymoon.

– I am on a break from Twitter. This is similar to Uday Chopra’s retirement announcement(As in no one gives a fuck and he may be back before you know it). Every once in a while I suffer from Twitter disillusionment. After all we are just a bunch of chattering idiots. Imagine you walk into a bar and all of a sudden everyone starts talking to you. Sometimes Twitter gives me THAT feeling. And sometimes I feel like I’ve walked into a bar and started screaming to get attention. I’ve been battling Twitter for a long long time and I am hoping that I’ll develop a plug-unplug method wherein I’ll be able to give up on social networking whenever I want to. Without feeling awkward or left out. Of course it is simpler than it sounds. But for the moment, no more maggi or omelette making tweets on your timeline.

– Google Plus has been launched. And I’ve been graced with a trial. I am neither excited about this nor depressed. I am just running around in circles.

– What I am excited about is the fact that I am going to spend the next two months experimenting. And shooting. Yessir. I am going to trace all my footprints on the internet and I am going to purge the stuff that I don’t want. I’ve already deleted my Linkedin profile. I don’t want a job that way, nor a recommendation. I don’t think I need LinkedIn. But I need to make this more clear to LinkedIn just to stop them from sending me invites. Reporting them as spam on Gmail isn’t working. Also deleted my BlogAdda profile(for which you have to mail the BlogAdda team because they don’t have a delete button). I am going to do this to a lot of other profiles/blogs/stuff on the internet. Frankly I am more excited about using Google Dashboard to find out how many Google services I use and eliminate most of them.

– I am so bored at work that I finished reading a 1000+ pages PDF(LOTR+The Hobbits) entirely in June. If July turns out to be anything like June, I need to come up with really good ways to pass my time at work and do something productive. And no, Marking off Google Reader Unread items doesn’t count.

– Which brings me to the point that I am in love with Google Reader. I am going to follow a lot more blogs and unfollow a few. I am also considering my favorite twitter wallahs on Google Reader(Just added @surekhapillai there).

– is also slated for some changes. Planning to make a blog roll(finally). A few tweaks here and there too. I may be building a page to record mundane stuff like books read/movies watched/fuck given etc.

– Of late, has suffered from a lot of sautela vyavahar because of a sudden Faking News surge in my neurons. Every now and then a headline would pop up and I’d add a few hundred boring words to expand that. The folks at Faking News are considerate people and keep publishing whatever shit I send them(mostly). They also offered me a page of my own. Now people can sue me directly instead of suing me via Faking News. I am also considering getting a Journalist/Reporter Id card for Faking News and adding ‘PRESS’ to my briefcase. In bold, red letters.

– Slideshare finally sent the prize for the Presentation Horror Story Contest. I now have a 3M Portable Projector(MP180) that I have absolutely no use for. I am planning to sell it for 350$(or 15000 bucks, whichever is higher). If you know someone who’d be interested in buying, let me know. I’ll throw in a poster of Lara Dutta for free.

– I am going to write some ‘Tantanoo goes to’ posts now.

– I am planning to *wanders off to read a few blogs*


*clicks on the publish button*


Rahul Gandhi is now officially an icon

All is not lost for Rahul Gandhi. Following a spate of bad news, it appears that good news is finally pouring in for Rahul Gandhi from the most unexpected quarters. After being declared a ‘Youth Icon’ when he was in the 40s and a ‘Style Icon’ when he wears the same set of clothes over and over again, Rahul Gandhi has now officially been declared as a proper icon. Microsoft India today announced that they have decided to replace the default Recycle Bin icon in all versions of Windows with Rahul Gandhi’s image. Not only that, Microsoft has also issued a critical update which replaces all the important icons in your machine with Congress party symbols.


(Click on image to enlarge Jai Ram Ramesh’s hairline)

Continue reading →


Now, a Richter scale for measuring Earthquake Jokes

In what could be termed as a ground-breaking development, Scientists have invented a richter-like scale for measuring Earthquake jokes. After considerable research and profound-brain-things, scientists have devised a formula that quantifies the insensitivity of an earthquake joke.

Known as the Crichter Scale, this is a complex equation will now be used to rate Earthquake jokes on a uniform scale. Developed by a team of scientists from across the globe, the Crichter Scale is ‘the need of the hour’ believes leading scientist Dr. Prithvi Pati.

‘By plotting the number of people who lost their lives in the earthquake versus time difference between the joke and the earthquake on a double logarithmic graph, we were able to identify a magnitude that is close enough to representing the amount of disgust caused by an earthquake joke’, Dr. Prithvi revealed to group of reporters. ‘We also multiplied the result with what we call the ‘Fatality coffecient’ which is the ratio of the number of people offended by the joke to the number of people who died because of the joke’.


(68% people on Facebook found this picture offensive)

The Crichter Scale has come under the scanner on popular third-world social network Twitter. An anonymous twitter user mentions that this scale doesn’t take into account the number of people who follow, unfollow or block others based on Earthquake jokes, actions which are major expressions of outrage worldwide. A twitter user from Delhi suggests that this scale is a scam to deride Delhi’s reputation as any joke that is cracked on a Delhi earthquake will have a Insensitivity score of zero. Gilbert Gottfired did not have any comments on this development.

The Crichter Scale has also received harsh criticism from mathematicians who believe that for such a scale to give accurate results, the characteristics of the joke need to be adjusted into the formula. Scientists at XKCD suggest that the level of wit for a joke should be expressed in measurement units like milliWildes or Southparks and this should be appropriately factored in the overall equation.

The Crichter scale also doesn’t take into consideration the proximity between the joke-cracker and the joke-listener. However such criticism has been counter-criticized by the argument that social networks like Twitter and Facebook have dissolved geographical boundaries and diluted space-time calculations and thus this equation needs to be modified to include supergalactic variables. However, biologists and doctors have rubbished the Crichter scale entirely. Their disagreement stems from a research that links places with extreme seismic activity to an underdeveloped ulnar nerve.

Criticisms and janlokpal-ish amendments notwithstanding, with the Crichter scale scientists have reached the final frontier where society and science meet each other(and laugh). Its applications in litigations, crucial follow/unfollow/block decisions on Twitter and as an irrevocable evidence of moral insensitivity have global implications. While the true performance of the Crichter scale remain to be seen, it is rumored that scientists are already working on an algorithm that traces the real route of a Sai Baba forward email. It appears that Science, like Earth, is on a roll.


A dead blog and a lonely girl

Last night turned out to be a special night. Last night, There goes a thought reached the 50000 hits milestone. Now in SEO terms, 50000 hits is like Mimoh’s debut(s). But considering that I’ve deleted almost all my older blogs before they hit puberty, 50K hits is a big deal for me. So last night out of sheer boredom, I delved deep into TGAT’s analytics reports, trying to figure out the kind of people who visited TGAT via Google. The results have been very encouraging.


Number of people who arrived to TGAT looking for Nobel Peace Prize and its cousins including: Nobel Piece Prize, Novel Peace Prize, Nobal Peace Prize, Nobel Pease Price and Nobel Prices


People who came to TGAT looking for ‘Lonely girl’



People think Ashish Nehra is funny. They came to TGAT looking for Ashish Nehra jokes, jokes on Ashish Nehra, Ashish nehra funny etc.


horny chemists came looking for ‘Vidya Balan Sodium Sulfate’


People wanted a middle finger. 67 of them were noob suicide bombers who came looking for ‘middle finger explosion’.


People found what they came for. ‘Insane Person’.


People who wanted to see ‘Bappi da without glasses’. I did a little google search and now I know why. Go ahead, try it.


were disappointed. They wanted ‘Sania Mirza nude’.


people were looking for ‘Ugly bald men’. I am guessing some of them follow me on Twitter now.


people were looking for ‘Shewag’. Whatever that is.


‘list out the question which we ask about sania mirza about her biography and achievement’.


wanted ‘lonely pictures of a girl’.

were looking for ‘Rakhi sawant breast’.

were looking for ways to ‘make a Yash Raj’. One of them is dating Uday Chopra, for sure.


Number of times @dharmeshG visited TGAT: ‘spelling to become tomorrow’s leaders’

People came from Kanpur. They were looking for a place for ‘spitting gutkha’.

People ‘hate ashish nehra’.


were right. ‘We need education’.


were looking for a way to stop Arnab Goswami from talking. ‘arnab goswami wife’

‘finger gurdass mann’

‘blod on the dance floor is gay’

‘indian coupuls porne’

‘life, poem vector’


‘hair of tere name’

‘lara dutta tweeted fart’

‘being sane in insane places’

‘ashish nehra dead’

‘bengali animals’

‘japan porno leady sex’

‘chuttad khan’

‘kamal hassan arm workout routine’

‘hermionee wants to pee’

‘girl with lots of bald men’

‘mika´s hot men’

‘chennai merina lovers day porn watch’

‘why are visit zoo’

great symbole of company of automobile’

‘sympathy nehra’

‘a cat reading harry potter’

‘bengali iit stink’

‘armpit hair actress deepti naval’

‘shilpa shetty beliefs on alcohol’

‘kidney stone bladder exit speed’

‘in which state arabian sea is ?’

‘sleeper cell pyar ho gaya’

‘fuck with leady patient and wardboy’

‘sania mirza balls’

‘i am not dead Indian’


So there you go.

A dead blog’s post-mortem results are out.

Lonely girl wins.

In case you didn’t know, I am tagging every post with the ‘lonely girl’ keyword these days. Even the Open Letter to Anna Hazare was tagged with ‘Lonely girl’. has also been doing fairly well as far search engine traffic is concerned. The fact, that it is the 9.3 x e^21st most popular blog on the internet, helps.  Here are some gems from’s traffic report:

‘dhoom machale slogan for shadi’

‘japan octopus food porn video’

‘ramdev baba holding’

‘northindia bhabhi’

‘how can i check octopus astrology’

‘men’s under way istemal video’


‘sex with nagraj’

I like where this is going, don’t you?

(Sincere apologies to those who came looking, yet again, for a lonely girl. This isn’t Kashmeera Shah’s blog.)


(Another) Open Letter to Anna

Dear Anna,

Like many others before me, I am writing you an Open letter(and guess what, it is 5 in the morning today too). But I have never written an Open letter before, so if this letter isn’t open enough or feels closed in any way, please forgive me for the same.

I am writing to you to express my feelings about your agitation and the JLP bill. I wanted to travel to Jantar Mantar and express these feelings in person but by the time I’d have reached Delhi from Chennai, your fast might have ended. And IPL was also around the corner so I didn’t want to take any chances. However I’ve been assured by some twitter friends that a blog is the best place to express anything, so I am writing you an open letter here.

Coming to the point, Anna ji, I want to say that I don’t agree with you. But unlike others, I am not going to question your motive, your company or your method. I checked your profile on LinkedIn and I am totally impressed by all the work you did in that village.

I also don’t have any problems with a fast-unto-death. If Veeru can threaten Mausi with a jump-from-the-tallest-tower threat and acquire Basanti for himself, your fast-unto-death offer ‘for the nation’ is totally justified. Also, 376 people on your facebook fan page tell me that this is a ‘war’ against corruption and we all know that all is fair in love and war. Fast-unto-death is also an oxymoron, because it is usually a slow-unto-death process but let’s not go into that.

I was saying that I trust your method. And your company. I suggest that you get some green and blue companions so you can form a tricolor there and dismiss rumors of your agitation being backed by the saffron brigade. I also understand that Baba Ramdev needs to be by your side to keep you healthy. I am told that if you sit in a particular aasan, you can go without eating for months but I don’t believe it. But I have a lot of faith in Baba Ramdev. If he can cure homosexuality, corruption should be a piece of cake for him. Or Gourd.

(If you rearrange the letters of YOGA, you get O! GAY #sirumadelakhs | Image via. The Sun)


I admire your choice of location too. Jantar Mantar is the perfect place to hold such a huge demonstration. Afterall, politicians have used jantar mantar on this country and robbed billions of rupees without anyone noticing. It is time you did some jantar mantar and robbed millions of politicians from this country. Poor jokes apart, none of the protests at India Gate ever achieve success. We all know what happened the last time when someone tried to do a candle march at the India Gate. So kudos for that too.

You may wonder then, that if I support all that, why am I writing you this letter? I am writing you this to let you know that fasting against corruption is wrong.

In the past few days weeks, I’ve read a lot of posts discussing and criticizing your actions and the JanLokPal bill. I’ve also seen blog posts that support your agitation, your fast against corruption. But very few people(and blogs) have spoken in favor of corruption. To balance the scales a bit, I write to you, to explain the importance of corruption and why we must protect it at any cost.

You want to uproot corruption from India like Sunnyji uprooted the hand-pump in Gadar. But have you ever imagined how our country would survive without corruption?

Corruption, dear sir, is a national emblem. Like Shilpa Shetty, it is our ‘Rashtriya Dharohar’. Or like my Maths teacher, a necessary evil. Remember the physics class where they said that without friction things can’t move? Corruption is the friction that is needed to make the country move. Without it, the country would be in a state of complete chaos.

Imagine. If India had been a corruption-free country since Independence, everything would have changed. Everyone would have been honest. All our files, our applications would have moved at the same pace. Ajay Devgan’s movie career would have been non-existent too. How would he fight injustice if the cops would actually arrest and prosecute Paresh Rawal’s kid for a rape attempt on Ajay’s sister? 90% of the Bollywood’s movies would have been trashed for a lack of plot. Nana Patekar would have been silent for a greater part of his life.

Cows would have been so healthy that our streets would have been infested by them. India’s population would be twice or thrice of what it is now because all the babies and people who die at the hands of corruption, would be healthy and thriving. There wouldn’t be any sting operations. All NEWS channels(and not only India TV) would have resorted to inventing news to keep the audience entertained. ‘Na Aana Is Des Meri Ladoo’ would have ended after 3 episodes.

No one would have said ‘Mere baap ko jaanta hai?’ in a fight. What fun is a father who can’t twist some muscle?

Let me give you some examples from my personal life. Since primary school days corruption has been an integral part of my life. All the medical certificates I took to school, confirming that I couldn’t make it to school because I had viral fever, were fake.  At 10 Rs. a certificate, it was always easier to acquire viral fever than finishing my holiday homework. As I grew up, corruption started playing a major role in my life.

Thanks to Dalals and Imaginary VIPs(of VIP quota fame) I’ve never stood in a line at a railway station for a ticket. I owe my passport, my driving license, my character certificate, my ration card – everything to corruption. In fact, when I walked into the inspector’s office to get my driving license approved, he asked me if I can see with both my eyes. Apparently the last license he had issued was for a blind man. The fact that the picture on my driving license resembles that of a freedom fighter, is a testimony to the efficacy of corruption.


(According to this document, I was 30 in 2010)

The only time I tried evading corruption and asked for a traffic ticket instead of paying a bribe, I had to wait 3 months to get my vehicle’s papers. After paying a bribe.

Without corruption Sir, we are as lost as Abhimanu in a chakravyuh or as an Indian CM in a Pawan Hans helicopter. Without corruption pulling us back, we run the risk of becoming a ‘First World Country’. Then we’ll have to attack other countries after blaming them for our crimes. We’ll have to outsource our jobs and act as baby-sitters to global economy. We’ll become the very monster we dread.

I therefore urge you to reconsider your choice of topic for this protest. You can go for a fast-unto-death for some nobler purpose. Like creating a new state. Or a new country.

Having said all this, I would like to reiterate that I do not dislike you. In fact you are my favorite Gandhian after Sanjay Dutt. But please give my thoughts a thought.



(Please find attached a tetra-pack of Tropicana Apple just in case)