After tigers, sperms are probably the most endangered wild animals in the world. Millions are produced everyday and very few actually get a chance to realize their potential. In such a cut-throat world, it is hardly surprising that an Indian couple posted an advertisement seeking ‘Sperms of an IITian’. (Not the students of Ideal Institute of Technology, Ghaziabad. The real ones.)
The couple is ready to pay 20,000 Rs. for the swimmers of any healthy, good looking IITian who doesn’t have any bad habits(apart from being studious). They are ready to compromise on height and complexion if the donor is right. They want to start a family filled with love and prosperity(with probably a wee bit more stress on the latter).
My own sperms have been moderately outraged at this advertisement and have decided to do a #OccupyVasDeferens to register their outrage. As it turns out, this advertisement has not only outraged my swimmers, but has also managed to disturb the mental peace of several IITians and non-IITians around the globe. Frankly, I don’t see any reason to outrage here. This advertisement is just a biological equivalent of every matrimonial advertisement you’ve ever seen. However the mention of a #worldfamous national institute(*cough* Jai Ram Ramesh*cough) puts this advertisement into the WTF section of major Indian dailies.
Infertility specialists from all over the country may disapprove but the couple do seem to have a point. Considering the per-capita emotions throttled in every male IITian, given the ratio of boys vs. girls on the campus, an IITian sperm is probably one of the horniest sperms around. And unlike the other horny sperms of the country, this one would be quite talented, unlike say its Kanpur University counterparts. The IITian sperm simply needs to come out of its hostel plumbing lines and become more mainstream.
However the advertisement in question could have been more detailed. For example, they do not specify whether the Sperm should belong to an IITian from an old IIT or one from the new ones would do. It also doesn’t specify whether the IITian should be a B.tech wala IITian or a M.Tech wala IITian(because an true IITian will tell you that the latter is an IITian in theory but not in practice). The advertisement also doesn’t specify any CGPA or JEE AIR that the IITian must have. Also, 20000 Rs. is just not enough. Firstly, the price has to be in dollars. Secondly, it has to be more than that awarded to any Indian Sperm ever. (unless it is an IIM sperm)
Another question worth pondering is whether an IITian’s sperm will grow up to be an IITian. I mean, as a sperm, I may have been very talented. I could probably code an Angry Bird app from the womb or play Hotel California with the umbilical cord back then. But as I grew up, things got fucked up. The same may happen to this IITian sperm. What if it decides to give up on life, like at least two characters in every Vidhu Vinod Chopra movie? What if it decides to grow up and become Chetan Bhagat? or worse, Arjun Rampal?
Non-IITians(like me) would probably use this piece of news to diss the IITs. Something that I’ve been doing since I scored AIR 5^36 in IIT JEE. Others would use it to fuel circular arguments like ‘Some of the most successful people I know are not from IIT and some of the dumbest people I know are from IIT’. But to tell you the truth, If I ever needed sperms(Biology forbid), I’d go for a politician’s sperm. Probably the smartest and richest sperm around. A politician’s sperm could bribe its way to the vagina even if it is the slowest slimmer.
Plus with all the walkouts experience, pay-rise, the ability to fuck-up every system they touch and the magic of making money where money doesn’t exist, this is the best sperm possible in the history of spermatogenesis.
If prosperity is the defining metric for selective natural selection, then an IPL sperm would be a decent buy too. I mean where else would you find a sperm endorsed by the curviest Bollywood heroines, hugged by corporate big-wigs and frowned upon by the ICC?
(On the downside, they sometimes don’t show up in Tests)
The more musically inclined families can go for a Ranbir Kapoor-esque sperm who goes ‘AATHEY RAQ’ every now and then. Though their prosperity quotient can be reasonably questioned, there is no doubt that they’ll spread a lot of lou(and sex). Good at breaking barricades, a rockstar sperm is a great way to have a musical labour period.
And for those of use who can’t afford all these exotic sperms, we can always buy the Social Media sperm, available at a Facebook page near you.
All said and done, I understand this couple’s desire to have an IITian kid. It is 2012 and brands matter. They always have. From wedding cards to Facebook user names, our degrees and the brands that we associate ourselves with, follow us everywhere. Even into labor rooms. A Polytechnic sperm just doesn’t cut it. Everyone wants a kid that’s the human equivalent of an Onida TV – ‘Neighbour’s envy, owner’s pride’.
But I do wish this couple a happy married life and some success with their endeavor. I just hope their offspring doesn’t come with this tattoo:0