Saala system hi kharaab hai

<Bad things ahead. Be warned>

I have a shitty digestive system. Literally and figuratively.

To be frank, none of my systems are up to the mark. Digestive, Excretory, Circulatory, Nervous –  You name it. All are equally disappointing. I think when God was distributing healthy organs I was probably sitting in a corner tweeting lame jokes(and checking the number of retweets every now and then). But I’ll still blame God for going all CWG on my body – the infrastructure is so appalling. According to a recent theory, I can blame this on something else but it is easier to assume that God ditched me and all the goodies went to John Abraham.

So here I am, stuck with a digestive system that is as efficient as the Hockey Federation. My digestive system is so dysfunctional, I sometimes think of it as a group of organs living unhappily with each other. After every meal, my insides turn into the Indian Parliament with organs swearing at each other. If you listen closely, you can even hear them arguing.

It bothers me immensely that at every treat that each outgoing room-mate gives, I have to closely monitor what I am eating to ensure that I make it back home without any major accidents. I usually go hungry while traveling in a train for the same reason. My stomach has this Just-in-just-out policy and considering how awesome toilets in Indian coaches are, this becomes a life-threatening situation. I remember having a mango shake on one of my journeys to Nagpur. I remember running out of paper soap on the Lucknow-Chennai Express. I remember that afternoon when I was returning from Delhi University and had a Cold Coffee on one of the metro stations. The cycle-rickshaw wallah who got 100 bucks for 2 kilometers also remembers that afternoon. Not to mention the effort spent in suppressing a fart in an air-conditioned bus.

This probably runs in the family. My uncle was once trapped on a train station in a toilet sans water. Thankfully Bisleri was there to save the day. The second thing that my nephew did after coming to this world was to fart into the hands of his nurse (and later into mine). My dad can probably destroy a country after some Kosha-Mangsho.

Still, I am of the opinion that God (or Nature) had this moral responsibility of giving me a strong digestive system. and stronger teeth. and fairer armpits. and more hair on my head. and… and.. and.

Who am I kidding?

Kuch nahi badlega.

Iss System ka kuch nahi ho sakta.

</Bad things>


(Another) Open Letter to Anna

Dear Anna,

Like many others before me, I am writing you an Open letter(and guess what, it is 5 in the morning today too). But I have never written an Open letter before, so if this letter isn’t open enough or feels closed in any way, please forgive me for the same.

I am writing to you to express my feelings about your agitation and the JLP bill. I wanted to travel to Jantar Mantar and express these feelings in person but by the time I’d have reached Delhi from Chennai, your fast might have ended. And IPL was also around the corner so I didn’t want to take any chances. However I’ve been assured by some twitter friends that a blog is the best place to express anything, so I am writing you an open letter here.

Coming to the point, Anna ji, I want to say that I don’t agree with you. But unlike others, I am not going to question your motive, your company or your method. I checked your profile on LinkedIn and I am totally impressed by all the work you did in that village.

I also don’t have any problems with a fast-unto-death. If Veeru can threaten Mausi with a jump-from-the-tallest-tower threat and acquire Basanti for himself, your fast-unto-death offer ‘for the nation’ is totally justified. Also, 376 people on your facebook fan page tell me that this is a ‘war’ against corruption and we all know that all is fair in love and war. Fast-unto-death is also an oxymoron, because it is usually a slow-unto-death process but let’s not go into that.

I was saying that I trust your method. And your company. I suggest that you get some green and blue companions so you can form a tricolor there and dismiss rumors of your agitation being backed by the saffron brigade. I also understand that Baba Ramdev needs to be by your side to keep you healthy. I am told that if you sit in a particular aasan, you can go without eating for months but I don’t believe it. But I have a lot of faith in Baba Ramdev. If he can cure homosexuality, corruption should be a piece of cake for him. Or Gourd.

(If you rearrange the letters of YOGA, you get O! GAY #sirumadelakhs | Image via. The Sun)


I admire your choice of location too. Jantar Mantar is the perfect place to hold such a huge demonstration. Afterall, politicians have used jantar mantar on this country and robbed billions of rupees without anyone noticing. It is time you did some jantar mantar and robbed millions of politicians from this country. Poor jokes apart, none of the protests at India Gate ever achieve success. We all know what happened the last time when someone tried to do a candle march at the India Gate. So kudos for that too.

You may wonder then, that if I support all that, why am I writing you this letter? I am writing you this to let you know that fasting against corruption is wrong.

In the past few days weeks, I’ve read a lot of posts discussing and criticizing your actions and the JanLokPal bill. I’ve also seen blog posts that support your agitation, your fast against corruption. But very few people(and blogs) have spoken in favor of corruption. To balance the scales a bit, I write to you, to explain the importance of corruption and why we must protect it at any cost.

You want to uproot corruption from India like Sunnyji uprooted the hand-pump in Gadar. But have you ever imagined how our country would survive without corruption?

Corruption, dear sir, is a national emblem. Like Shilpa Shetty, it is our ‘Rashtriya Dharohar’. Or like my Maths teacher, a necessary evil. Remember the physics class where they said that without friction things can’t move? Corruption is the friction that is needed to make the country move. Without it, the country would be in a state of complete chaos.

Imagine. If India had been a corruption-free country since Independence, everything would have changed. Everyone would have been honest. All our files, our applications would have moved at the same pace. Ajay Devgan’s movie career would have been non-existent too. How would he fight injustice if the cops would actually arrest and prosecute Paresh Rawal’s kid for a rape attempt on Ajay’s sister? 90% of the Bollywood’s movies would have been trashed for a lack of plot. Nana Patekar would have been silent for a greater part of his life.

Cows would have been so healthy that our streets would have been infested by them. India’s population would be twice or thrice of what it is now because all the babies and people who die at the hands of corruption, would be healthy and thriving. There wouldn’t be any sting operations. All NEWS channels(and not only India TV) would have resorted to inventing news to keep the audience entertained. ‘Na Aana Is Des Meri Ladoo’ would have ended after 3 episodes.

No one would have said ‘Mere baap ko jaanta hai?’ in a fight. What fun is a father who can’t twist some muscle?

Let me give you some examples from my personal life. Since primary school days corruption has been an integral part of my life. All the medical certificates I took to school, confirming that I couldn’t make it to school because I had viral fever, were fake.  At 10 Rs. a certificate, it was always easier to acquire viral fever than finishing my holiday homework. As I grew up, corruption started playing a major role in my life.

Thanks to Dalals and Imaginary VIPs(of VIP quota fame) I’ve never stood in a line at a railway station for a ticket. I owe my passport, my driving license, my character certificate, my ration card – everything to corruption. In fact, when I walked into the inspector’s office to get my driving license approved, he asked me if I can see with both my eyes. Apparently the last license he had issued was for a blind man. The fact that the picture on my driving license resembles that of a freedom fighter, is a testimony to the efficacy of corruption.


(According to this document, I was 30 in 2010)

The only time I tried evading corruption and asked for a traffic ticket instead of paying a bribe, I had to wait 3 months to get my vehicle’s papers. After paying a bribe.

Without corruption Sir, we are as lost as Abhimanu in a chakravyuh or as an Indian CM in a Pawan Hans helicopter. Without corruption pulling us back, we run the risk of becoming a ‘First World Country’. Then we’ll have to attack other countries after blaming them for our crimes. We’ll have to outsource our jobs and act as baby-sitters to global economy. We’ll become the very monster we dread.

I therefore urge you to reconsider your choice of topic for this protest. You can go for a fast-unto-death for some nobler purpose. Like creating a new state. Or a new country.

Having said all this, I would like to reiterate that I do not dislike you. In fact you are my favorite Gandhian after Sanjay Dutt. But please give my thoughts a thought.



(Please find attached a tetra-pack of Tropicana Apple just in case)


Sab baatein hain, baaton ka kya

“The time has come…”

“We need..”

“Must reach the grassroots..”

“They are corrupt..”

“They don’t listen..”

“The youth of this country..”


“Spread the message…”

“Must make sure..”


“Roll model..”

“How can we allow..”

“Not any more..”

“At a time when..”

“Need of the hour..”


“Aap aage badho, hum aapke saath hai…”

“Just kill the fuckers…”

“Together let us..”

“Its HIGH time!!!!…..”

“V r wid u..”

“I don’t know…”

“It will never….”

“I salute you…”


“It is killing us all….”

“Initiative taken by you..”

“Nothing is impossible…”



“Inqalaab Zindabaad…”

“Somebody please…”

“Join me…”

“They are loosers..”

“Abhi toh sirf shuraat hai..”



“U Rock..”

“Hats off..”

“Please sign this petition..”

“You are the only hope..”

“Mind blowing”

“Forward to 25 people and..”

“Every individual..”

“Ek chingaari..”


“Sab chor hai..”

“Lage Raho..”

“Real fight will start now..”


“To each his own…”