Nuclear Bomb refuses to act as villain in upcoming movies

Taking a cue from actor Sonu Sood, Nuclear Bomb today announced that it is no longer interested in negative roles. This decision comes after years of playing the villain in several Bond movies like Goldfinger and Tomorrow Never Dies and playing a negative role in numerous successful movies like Planet of the Apes, Terminator, Broken Arrow, Red Dawn and the more recent, Xmen: First Class. Nuclear Bomb has also played a key role in several video games like Call of Duty, Rise of Nations, Splinter Cell and Defcon. Earlier this week Nuclear Bomb refused to act in Madhur Bhandarkar’s next movie ‘Bomb’ citing date problems.This refusal is being considered as a confirmation of Nuclear Bomb’s stand against its typecasting.

‘I am fed up of playing the same negative roles again and again. Of late, I’ve started feeling like Mohinish Behl’, grunts Nuclear Bomb. ‘The last time I played a positive role, years ago in Deep Impact, all the credit was stolen by a stupid halfling. This is too much to bear’.

Nuclear Bomb was nominated for a Filmfare award for its performance in the Ohscar-nominated movie 16 December. But roles like that are hard to come by now that the hindi film industry is moving to meaningful movies  like Double Dhamaal and Dabangg. ‘No one cares about super villains anymore. Brilliant movies like Waqt Humara Hai are shelved even before they are scripted, thanks to all the Bhandarkars and Bhansalis of the world.’ says Nuclear Bomb adjusting his tail-fin. So what next?

‘Well, like Mohinish Behl, I am going in for a complete image makeover, moving to the small screen and playing a good guy.’ Balaji telefilms is rumored to have offered Nuclear Bomb a meaty role in their upcoming soaps, Kaun, Fusion? and Kabhi 238, Kabhi 235.

(Kiran Kumar was too shocked to comment on this development)

Nuclear Bomb’s decision has been welcomed by other in the industry. ‘After Arjun Rampal won the National Award, Nuclear Bomb was heartbroken and was contemplating quitting the industry altogether. It is nice that it has pulled itself up and is making a comeback on the small screen’, says fellow bomb Shilpa Shetty.

We won’t be seeing Nuclear Bomb in its threatening avatar anytime soon but we hope it explodes soon on the small screen(and takes a few soaps with it).


Protesting bananas stop several trains

Early this morning, thousands of bananas worldwide staged a one-of-a-kind protest, to protect and restore their dignity. To the discomfort of many, several bananas gathered on railway tracks in India, paralyzing services in a lot of places. The Bananas were protesting against injustice meted to them by software companies and people in general. ‘This is a fight for our identity, our dignity and position in the fruit world’, an angry banana told reporters.


(Thousands of Bananas staged a walkout in the Parliament today | via. here)

In a letter to the World Food Council, the Go! Bananas association have underlined their grievances. There is a popular sentiment in the fruit world that since times immemorial, bananas have been denied of any fame or recognition. Other fruits enjoy the limelight with sayings like ‘An apple a day..’ or  ‘a case of sour grapes..’. Bananas on the other hand have always been served with a taste of sexual innuendo. This double entendre has irked their kind and has forced them to take to the streets.

Last night’s WWDC conference was the tipping point for Bananas. Bananas claim that Apple has gone too far in crushing their reputation. ‘No one talks about bananas anymore’ – a banana told us on conditions of anonymity. ‘Everyone is concerned about Apples. Even the credit for gravity goes to Apples. The story of Adam and Eve also features Apples. Apples are breeding faster than engineers and this is a serious threat to the fruits ecosystem. People are even forgetting our name. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!’.


(Via. Here)

The Bananas have gone as far as to threaten some software companies with lawsuits. ‘First it will be Apple and then we’ll sue Microsoft for defamation. We are also planning to take Orange to court.’ – a Go! Banana representative told us. Some #worldfamous celebrities are supporting the Bananas in their endeavor to regain the respect they deserve. Some bananas in India were noticed singing ‘Chal a-Kela, Chal a-Kela’ while marching to the nearest railway track. ‘Why did they have to name their new OS as Mango? WHAT IS WRONG WITH A BANANA?’ roared another angry banana who went ahead and started stripping for the news camera.


Governments world over are trying to hold talks with Bananas to settle this problem peacefully. Indian government is also mulling a late-night lathi-charge in case things go out of hand. Whatever be the case, the bananas are adamant in their demands. It is feared that several other fruits may join forces with them in the coming days, as the rest of the world gears up for lawsuits, counter-lawsuits and counter-counter-lawsuits.


Rahul Gandhi is now officially an icon

All is not lost for Rahul Gandhi. Following a spate of bad news, it appears that good news is finally pouring in for Rahul Gandhi from the most unexpected quarters. After being declared a ‘Youth Icon’ when he was in the 40s and a ‘Style Icon’ when he wears the same set of clothes over and over again, Rahul Gandhi has now officially been declared as a proper icon. Microsoft India today announced that they have decided to replace the default Recycle Bin icon in all versions of Windows with Rahul Gandhi’s image. Not only that, Microsoft has also issued a critical update which replaces all the important icons in your machine with Congress party symbols.


(Click on image to enlarge Jai Ram Ramesh’s hairline)

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Now, a Richter scale for measuring Earthquake Jokes

In what could be termed as a ground-breaking development, Scientists have invented a richter-like scale for measuring Earthquake jokes. After considerable research and profound-brain-things, scientists have devised a formula that quantifies the insensitivity of an earthquake joke.

Known as the Crichter Scale, this is a complex equation will now be used to rate Earthquake jokes on a uniform scale. Developed by a team of scientists from across the globe, the Crichter Scale is ‘the need of the hour’ believes leading scientist Dr. Prithvi Pati.

‘By plotting the number of people who lost their lives in the earthquake versus time difference between the joke and the earthquake on a double logarithmic graph, we were able to identify a magnitude that is close enough to representing the amount of disgust caused by an earthquake joke’, Dr. Prithvi revealed to group of reporters. ‘We also multiplied the result with what we call the ‘Fatality coffecient’ which is the ratio of the number of people offended by the joke to the number of people who died because of the joke’.


(68% people on Facebook found this picture offensive)

The Crichter Scale has come under the scanner on popular third-world social network Twitter. An anonymous twitter user mentions that this scale doesn’t take into account the number of people who follow, unfollow or block others based on Earthquake jokes, actions which are major expressions of outrage worldwide. A twitter user from Delhi suggests that this scale is a scam to deride Delhi’s reputation as any joke that is cracked on a Delhi earthquake will have a Insensitivity score of zero. Gilbert Gottfired did not have any comments on this development.

The Crichter Scale has also received harsh criticism from mathematicians who believe that for such a scale to give accurate results, the characteristics of the joke need to be adjusted into the formula. Scientists at XKCD suggest that the level of wit for a joke should be expressed in measurement units like milliWildes or Southparks and this should be appropriately factored in the overall equation.

The Crichter scale also doesn’t take into consideration the proximity between the joke-cracker and the joke-listener. However such criticism has been counter-criticized by the argument that social networks like Twitter and Facebook have dissolved geographical boundaries and diluted space-time calculations and thus this equation needs to be modified to include supergalactic variables. However, biologists and doctors have rubbished the Crichter scale entirely. Their disagreement stems from a research that links places with extreme seismic activity to an underdeveloped ulnar nerve.

Criticisms and janlokpal-ish amendments notwithstanding, with the Crichter scale scientists have reached the final frontier where society and science meet each other(and laugh). Its applications in litigations, crucial follow/unfollow/block decisions on Twitter and as an irrevocable evidence of moral insensitivity have global implications. While the true performance of the Crichter scale remain to be seen, it is rumored that scientists are already working on an algorithm that traces the real route of a Sai Baba forward email. It appears that Science, like Earth, is on a roll.