The Last Action Hero

As it turns out, apart from being the World ‘We did it for Sachin Tendulkar’ day, 2nd April is also Ajay Devgan’s birthday.

There was a time in the early nineties during my formative years(though the quantity of formation that happened in those formative years is debatable) when I was a die-hard Ajay Devgan fan. I mean, after mom convinced me that I cannot possibly be Sunny Deol ever, even if they feed me Complan intravenously. Those were tough times and I needed a new  hero, a new idol. And Ajay Devgan dirtbiked into my life.



(Classy since 1990)


For a scrawny teenager with a before-fairness-challenges complexion and side-parted hair, Ajay Devgan was the perfect idol. When Jigar released, I was regularly practicing fake jujitsu in the shower, throwing boiled eggs in the air and karatechopping them and fighting neighbourhood kids with blindfolded eyes. All this without a promise of a Karishma Kapoor. Not only did this boost my self-confidence, it also helped me lose all those milk teeth.


(Last Action Hero)

But my devotion for Ajay Devgan steadly increased. He was after all a rage. His wikipedia page will tell you how he won the Filmfare Male Debut award for Phool aur Kante. I can tell you that two of my friends lost their groins while trying to emulate his bike stunts. He was the alpha and the omega at that time. All the angry young men in the industry were getting old and Ajay and others were quickly replacing them, taking action to another level. In those times, one of the most challenging roles in the industry was that of Ajay Devgan’s sister, what with all the Mohinish Behls of the industry running after them. And while he suffered huge losses on his family side(taking adequate revenge during climax), he continued to romance the best of the industry. Raveena Tandon, Sonali Bendre, Karishma Kapoor, Madhuri, Madhu, Sonali Bendre, Twinkle Khanna, Manisha Koirala, Sonali Bendre, Aishwarya Rai. You name them and Ajay Devgan had them behind a few trees and flowers.

Of course then he went on and did one brave thing after another. Like marrying Kajol. Imagine that shrieking voice early in the morning. I have trouble believing that Veeru Devgan is still alive and has not died by death-by-repeated-calls-of-Bauji. Or when he decided to make Raju Chacha. Ajay Devgan was a pioneer in the true sense of the word. There was a certain subtlety to his ways, the way he did his romance or the way he did his action. Or the way he danced.

Ajay also did the Antakshari playing world the greatest service ever by giving them the Tha Tha Tha song. He brought pride to the name ‘Raju’, which until then was reserved for Chaiwallahs and raddiwallahs. He is one of the few Bollywood actors who can act both with and without a mustache. We all know what happened when Anil Kapoor tried acting without a mustache. Kumar Sanu almost owes his entire career to Ajay Devgan.

Ajay Devgan was one of the best things to have happened to Bollywood in the 90s. Till he developed an aversion to vowels and started acting in movies like Rascal.

But here is wishing a very happy birthday to Ajay Devgan of the 90s. The way I’d like to remember him.


Saala system hi kharaab hai

<Bad things ahead. Be warned>

I have a shitty digestive system. Literally and figuratively.

To be frank, none of my systems are up to the mark. Digestive, Excretory, Circulatory, Nervous –  You name it. All are equally disappointing. I think when God was distributing healthy organs I was probably sitting in a corner tweeting lame jokes(and checking the number of retweets every now and then). But I’ll still blame God for going all CWG on my body – the infrastructure is so appalling. According to a recent theory, I can blame this on something else but it is easier to assume that God ditched me and all the goodies went to John Abraham.

So here I am, stuck with a digestive system that is as efficient as the Hockey Federation. My digestive system is so dysfunctional, I sometimes think of it as a group of organs living unhappily with each other. After every meal, my insides turn into the Indian Parliament with organs swearing at each other. If you listen closely, you can even hear them arguing.

It bothers me immensely that at every treat that each outgoing room-mate gives, I have to closely monitor what I am eating to ensure that I make it back home without any major accidents. I usually go hungry while traveling in a train for the same reason. My stomach has this Just-in-just-out policy and considering how awesome toilets in Indian coaches are, this becomes a life-threatening situation. I remember having a mango shake on one of my journeys to Nagpur. I remember running out of paper soap on the Lucknow-Chennai Express. I remember that afternoon when I was returning from Delhi University and had a Cold Coffee on one of the metro stations. The cycle-rickshaw wallah who got 100 bucks for 2 kilometers also remembers that afternoon. Not to mention the effort spent in suppressing a fart in an air-conditioned bus.

This probably runs in the family. My uncle was once trapped on a train station in a toilet sans water. Thankfully Bisleri was there to save the day. The second thing that my nephew did after coming to this world was to fart into the hands of his nurse (and later into mine). My dad can probably destroy a country after some Kosha-Mangsho.

Still, I am of the opinion that God (or Nature) had this moral responsibility of giving me a strong digestive system. and stronger teeth. and fairer armpits. and more hair on my head. and… and.. and.

Who am I kidding?

Kuch nahi badlega.

Iss System ka kuch nahi ho sakta.

</Bad things>


We are all Knuts

I love Twitter more than I love Facebook. I remember days on spent on Twitter: hashtags, earthquakes, conversations, the U2 live concert. Happy and sad memories. Facebook never offered me any such moment. Until this.


Two things: One, obviously I am bad at punning. Two, we moved on to Chemistry.

This is how it looked.


Knuts indeed.

P.S.: Dear Sandy, Valerie and Sunny, that was the best time I ever had on Facebook. Ever. Love, Tantanoo

P.P.S: Comments on my sad punning skills will be fed to Blast-ended Skrewts


Google Plus and Harry Potter

There is no dearth of articles on Google Plus and of late I’ve been reading a lot of them(thanks to Manuscrypts and some zealous Google Reader buddies). Well, after much reading and reasoning, I’ve come to a conclusion that:

Google Plus is Harry Potter

You know how Harry Potter was born and there was a lot of hoopla and doubt. Google Plus’s birth was surrounded by a similar hint of confusion and subsequent celebrations.

– and how Harry was being touted as ‘Voldemort-killer’ and ‘Google Plus’ is being touted as a ‘Facebook-killer’.

– and how Harry and Voldemort are somewhat alike. Same goes for Google Plus and Facebook. They are like Hrithik Hroshan and Harman Baweja.

– and Harry Potter lived with the worst relatives ever. Google Plus lives with Wave, Buzz and Orkut.

– and how it took Harry Potter eight movies and seven books to kill Voldemort. You know.


Google Plus = Harry Potter.



(The previous post on Google Plus was contesting for one of the worst posts ever. This excuse of a post is hoping for greater laurels.


Tantanoo’s Must Watch Videos at a YouTube Party Playlist

I get only 43% of the cartoons posted on XKCD. For example, I didn’t get this recent one on Google+ and had to go all the way to Explain XKCD. Even that didn’t help much. But I do get the easier ones and swear by XKCD in any andho-mein-kaana-raja type situation. And then there are times when I TOTALLY get an XKCD comic. Like TOTALLY. This comic was a part of those rarest-of-rare moments.



(There is also a similar Doghouse Diaries strip-which predates XKCD’s comic btw)

Continue reading →


A dead blog and a lonely girl

Last night turned out to be a special night. Last night, There goes a thought reached the 50000 hits milestone. Now in SEO terms, 50000 hits is like Mimoh’s debut(s). But considering that I’ve deleted almost all my older blogs before they hit puberty, 50K hits is a big deal for me. So last night out of sheer boredom, I delved deep into TGAT’s analytics reports, trying to figure out the kind of people who visited TGAT via Google. The results have been very encouraging.


Number of people who arrived to TGAT looking for Nobel Peace Prize and its cousins including: Nobel Piece Prize, Novel Peace Prize, Nobal Peace Prize, Nobel Pease Price and Nobel Prices


People who came to TGAT looking for ‘Lonely girl’



People think Ashish Nehra is funny. They came to TGAT looking for Ashish Nehra jokes, jokes on Ashish Nehra, Ashish nehra funny etc.


horny chemists came looking for ‘Vidya Balan Sodium Sulfate’


People wanted a middle finger. 67 of them were noob suicide bombers who came looking for ‘middle finger explosion’.


People found what they came for. ‘Insane Person’.


People who wanted to see ‘Bappi da without glasses’. I did a little google search and now I know why. Go ahead, try it.


were disappointed. They wanted ‘Sania Mirza nude’.


people were looking for ‘Ugly bald men’. I am guessing some of them follow me on Twitter now.


people were looking for ‘Shewag’. Whatever that is.


‘list out the question which we ask about sania mirza about her biography and achievement’.


wanted ‘lonely pictures of a girl’.

were looking for ‘Rakhi sawant breast’.

were looking for ways to ‘make a Yash Raj’. One of them is dating Uday Chopra, for sure.


Number of times @dharmeshG visited TGAT: ‘spelling to become tomorrow’s leaders’

People came from Kanpur. They were looking for a place for ‘spitting gutkha’.

People ‘hate ashish nehra’.


were right. ‘We need education’.


were looking for a way to stop Arnab Goswami from talking. ‘arnab goswami wife’

‘finger gurdass mann’

‘blod on the dance floor is gay’

‘indian coupuls porne’

‘life, poem vector’


‘hair of tere name’

‘lara dutta tweeted fart’

‘being sane in insane places’

‘ashish nehra dead’

‘bengali animals’

‘japan porno leady sex’

‘chuttad khan’

‘kamal hassan arm workout routine’

‘hermionee wants to pee’

‘girl with lots of bald men’

‘mika´s hot men’

‘chennai merina lovers day porn watch’

‘why are visit zoo’

great symbole of company of automobile’

‘sympathy nehra’

‘a cat reading harry potter’

‘bengali iit stink’

‘armpit hair actress deepti naval’

‘shilpa shetty beliefs on alcohol’

‘kidney stone bladder exit speed’

‘in which state arabian sea is ?’

‘sleeper cell pyar ho gaya’

‘fuck with leady patient and wardboy’

‘sania mirza balls’

‘i am not dead Indian’


So there you go.

A dead blog’s post-mortem results are out.

Lonely girl wins.

In case you didn’t know, I am tagging every post with the ‘lonely girl’ keyword these days. Even the Open Letter to Anna Hazare was tagged with ‘Lonely girl’. Tantanoo.com has also been doing fairly well as far search engine traffic is concerned. The fact, that it is the 9.3 x e^21st most popular blog on the internet, helps.  Here are some gems from Tantanoo.com’s traffic report:

‘dhoom machale slogan for shadi’

‘japan octopus food porn video’

‘ramdev baba holding’

‘northindia bhabhi’

‘how can i check octopus astrology’

‘men’s under way istemal video’


‘sex with nagraj’

I like where this is going, don’t you?

(Sincere apologies to those who came looking, yet again, for a lonely girl. This isn’t Kashmeera Shah’s blog.)


(Another) Open Letter to Anna

Dear Anna,

Like many others before me, I am writing you an Open letter(and guess what, it is 5 in the morning today too). But I have never written an Open letter before, so if this letter isn’t open enough or feels closed in any way, please forgive me for the same.

I am writing to you to express my feelings about your agitation and the JLP bill. I wanted to travel to Jantar Mantar and express these feelings in person but by the time I’d have reached Delhi from Chennai, your fast might have ended. And IPL was also around the corner so I didn’t want to take any chances. However I’ve been assured by some twitter friends that a blog is the best place to express anything, so I am writing you an open letter here.

Coming to the point, Anna ji, I want to say that I don’t agree with you. But unlike others, I am not going to question your motive, your company or your method. I checked your profile on LinkedIn and I am totally impressed by all the work you did in that village.

I also don’t have any problems with a fast-unto-death. If Veeru can threaten Mausi with a jump-from-the-tallest-tower threat and acquire Basanti for himself, your fast-unto-death offer ‘for the nation’ is totally justified. Also, 376 people on your facebook fan page tell me that this is a ‘war’ against corruption and we all know that all is fair in love and war. Fast-unto-death is also an oxymoron, because it is usually a slow-unto-death process but let’s not go into that.

I was saying that I trust your method. And your company. I suggest that you get some green and blue companions so you can form a tricolor there and dismiss rumors of your agitation being backed by the saffron brigade. I also understand that Baba Ramdev needs to be by your side to keep you healthy. I am told that if you sit in a particular aasan, you can go without eating for months but I don’t believe it. But I have a lot of faith in Baba Ramdev. If he can cure homosexuality, corruption should be a piece of cake for him. Or Gourd.

(If you rearrange the letters of YOGA, you get O! GAY #sirumadelakhs | Image via. The Sun)


I admire your choice of location too. Jantar Mantar is the perfect place to hold such a huge demonstration. Afterall, politicians have used jantar mantar on this country and robbed billions of rupees without anyone noticing. It is time you did some jantar mantar and robbed millions of politicians from this country. Poor jokes apart, none of the protests at India Gate ever achieve success. We all know what happened the last time when someone tried to do a candle march at the India Gate. So kudos for that too.

You may wonder then, that if I support all that, why am I writing you this letter? I am writing you this to let you know that fasting against corruption is wrong.

In the past few days weeks, I’ve read a lot of posts discussing and criticizing your actions and the JanLokPal bill. I’ve also seen blog posts that support your agitation, your fast against corruption. But very few people(and blogs) have spoken in favor of corruption. To balance the scales a bit, I write to you, to explain the importance of corruption and why we must protect it at any cost.

You want to uproot corruption from India like Sunnyji uprooted the hand-pump in Gadar. But have you ever imagined how our country would survive without corruption?

Corruption, dear sir, is a national emblem. Like Shilpa Shetty, it is our ‘Rashtriya Dharohar’. Or like my Maths teacher, a necessary evil. Remember the physics class where they said that without friction things can’t move? Corruption is the friction that is needed to make the country move. Without it, the country would be in a state of complete chaos.

Imagine. If India had been a corruption-free country since Independence, everything would have changed. Everyone would have been honest. All our files, our applications would have moved at the same pace. Ajay Devgan’s movie career would have been non-existent too. How would he fight injustice if the cops would actually arrest and prosecute Paresh Rawal’s kid for a rape attempt on Ajay’s sister? 90% of the Bollywood’s movies would have been trashed for a lack of plot. Nana Patekar would have been silent for a greater part of his life.

Cows would have been so healthy that our streets would have been infested by them. India’s population would be twice or thrice of what it is now because all the babies and people who die at the hands of corruption, would be healthy and thriving. There wouldn’t be any sting operations. All NEWS channels(and not only India TV) would have resorted to inventing news to keep the audience entertained. ‘Na Aana Is Des Meri Ladoo’ would have ended after 3 episodes.

No one would have said ‘Mere baap ko jaanta hai?’ in a fight. What fun is a father who can’t twist some muscle?

Let me give you some examples from my personal life. Since primary school days corruption has been an integral part of my life. All the medical certificates I took to school, confirming that I couldn’t make it to school because I had viral fever, were fake.  At 10 Rs. a certificate, it was always easier to acquire viral fever than finishing my holiday homework. As I grew up, corruption started playing a major role in my life.

Thanks to Dalals and Imaginary VIPs(of VIP quota fame) I’ve never stood in a line at a railway station for a ticket. I owe my passport, my driving license, my character certificate, my ration card – everything to corruption. In fact, when I walked into the inspector’s office to get my driving license approved, he asked me if I can see with both my eyes. Apparently the last license he had issued was for a blind man. The fact that the picture on my driving license resembles that of a freedom fighter, is a testimony to the efficacy of corruption.


(According to this document, I was 30 in 2010)

The only time I tried evading corruption and asked for a traffic ticket instead of paying a bribe, I had to wait 3 months to get my vehicle’s papers. After paying a bribe.

Without corruption Sir, we are as lost as Abhimanu in a chakravyuh or as an Indian CM in a Pawan Hans helicopter. Without corruption pulling us back, we run the risk of becoming a ‘First World Country’. Then we’ll have to attack other countries after blaming them for our crimes. We’ll have to outsource our jobs and act as baby-sitters to global economy. We’ll become the very monster we dread.

I therefore urge you to reconsider your choice of topic for this protest. You can go for a fast-unto-death for some nobler purpose. Like creating a new state. Or a new country.

Having said all this, I would like to reiterate that I do not dislike you. In fact you are my favorite Gandhian after Sanjay Dutt. But please give my thoughts a thought.



(Please find attached a tetra-pack of Tropicana Apple just in case)