The facts that follow are mostly in chronological order, mostly false and mostly boring. Also, any resemblance to any woman, any year or any grammatical error is purely co-incidental and unintentional.
1986. He is born. There are no prophecies, no voices from heaven.
1987. One year old. Still no prophecies. Women find him cute. Disagrees.
1988. Two years old. Can almost walk and talk. Too lazy to do both. Plays with cars and dolls. Doesn’t realize what’s wrong with him.
1989. Three years. Can talk. Points at people and laughs. Almost potty-trained and proud of it.
1990. Goes to school. Can’t speak hindi. Offers ‘Poppins’ to a girl. She refuses. Tells her that she is fair but has shit on her face, partly in Bengali.
1991. Gets his first set of comic books to pick up some hindi. Discovers first major addiction.
1992. Cable connection arrives at his home thanks to Ayodhya. Father stops him from watching Baywatch. Calls his father a ‘bruddy breggar’.
1993. First ‘Tell Me Why’ bought. Discovers second addiction in GIJOE action figures. Wins all elocution contests in School. First crush on a girl called Shagun.
1994. Gets a Doctor’s set. Tries all treatments on a huge teddy bear. Learns that a train is known as Lohpathagamini from a comic-book.
1995. Ten years old. Still no girlfriend. Swears by Raj Comics and Diamond comics. Hides under bed upon seeing some transvestites. Gets appointed as Class monitor and Sports incharge. Life’s first cruel joke. Forces Dad to buy him ‘Castle Grayskull’. Bankrupts him in the process.
1996. Dating skills improve. Notices that some girls look sweet while crying. Doesn’t offer ‘Poppins’. Gets slapped by a teacher for good work. Bitches about the teacher to her senior. Performs the marriage ceremony of Teela and He-man(with a full fledged baraat. The groom arrives on Battle Cat.)
1997. Changes school. Gets the first division. Impresses teachers. Disappoints potential girlfriends. Second major crush. Writes her name in soap while having a shower. Writes his first poem because she writes poems. Lots of rhyme. Color tv arrives at home. Falls in love with Kajol’s sister in DDLJ, this time in color.
1998. First computer. Watches Sonali Bendre on screen. Plays Major Saab’s songs at least once everyday. Discovers internet. First Email address on Rediff. Discovers Porn. First internet bill = 3000 Rs. Discovers Yahoo directories. Plays Fifa 98 in easy mode. Wins 45-0
1999. Finishes Blood and Doom 2, with cheat codes. Starts playing ‘Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?’ Comic collection stolen, loses close to 1500 comics. Makes a Bruce Lee fan site using Microsoft FrontPage. Feels like Bill Gates.
2000. Gets a video game console. Finds out that he is too old for it. Still prides himself over Duck Hunt finesse. Scores a 90% for the last time in his life.
2001. Finds the warp zone in Super Mario. Gets caught with someone else’s porn. Dreams of flunking in Mathematics with 2 marks. Fails in Maths with one mark. Discovers first enemy. First kiss.
2002. Sleeps in front of the tuition teacher. Gets the ICSE exam admit card laminated. Realizes the futility later. Memorizes the Merchant of Venice for a viva-voce.
2003. Takes Maths and Biology, the first career fuck up of his life. Gets to enjoy the company of all the girls in the class and then the ones in the Commerce section too. Forgives God. Third Major Crush happens. Gets a letter for short attendance every quarter. Buys his first digital camera – a 1.3 megapixel UMAX. Dissects his first cockroach.
2004. Buys a moped. Is declared the School Captain. Gets a letter for short attendance in the first quarter. Third Major Crush ends. Fourth Major Crush begins. Still a virgin. Understands reproductive system in details. Prefers the Nervous system. Opens the first blog on Rediff. Calls it Life is Beautiful. Makes three anonymous friends in as many days. Understands that Life isn’t that beautiful in another seven months. Moves to Blogger. Survives ISC. Drops a year. Goes to IIT-JEE classes. Admires the furniture. Solves a complex ratio analysis problem and predicts that cute girls won’t stay around him, in the coming years.
2005. Takes Engineering, Medical, Architecture, and English Lit. entrance examinations. Cleared for Unani Medicine. Joins an engineering college.
2006. Moves to Nagpur. Spots random classmates making Shaadi.com profiles in computer labs. Gets invited to Gmail. Joins Orkut. Can’t write a program to calculate the LCM of two numbers. College attendance touches an all-time personal high of 8%. Goes for Vivah. Thrice. Survives. Sells moped for 1100 Rs. Buys a bike. Girlfriend attrition rate decreases exponentially.
2007. Breaks personal record of 537 sneezes in a day. Shaves off his mustache. Loses face.
2008. First accident. Gets 13 stitches on his face, symmetrical abrasions on the body and a fractured jaw. Dowry prices hit all-time low.
2009. Finishes college. Returns to Kanpur. Eats, shoots and sleeps. And Tweets. Buys a red laptop. Wins an iPod Nano and watches Pulp Fiction on it. Starts Comicry. Finishes his first Minesweeper game. In two and a half days. Goes bald.
2010. Moves to Jaipur. Then moves to Chennai. Still can’t write a program to calculate LCM. First cigarette. First official salary. First flight. Uses the public loo for the first time. Tastes wine for the first time. Wins a prize in World’s Best Presentation Contest. Loses some friends. Watches Kites. Survives again.
2011. Wastes three hours in writing an About Me page.