Open letter to anyone.

Dear all,

Thank you for your outrage on rape. It was very important. Your marches and petitions have been well received. Really. I wish you all the success in your future endeavors and sincerely hope that the change you are trying to bring, is brought, swiftly and properly.

But since educating the youth, sex-education, judicial reforms, women empowerment and measures such as banning chowmein will take a few more decades to arrive, there are more things you can do.

Like applying for a gun license for your wife/girlfriend/female friends. Ask them to shoot any molester/eve-teaser/potential rapist at sight. Remember that this is a country where they’ll get convicted for murder, serve the sentence and will be out sooner than justice is delivered if a rape incident happens. Ask them to shoot at the penis so even if the person isn’t killed, he and his masculinity suffers enough. Ask them not to spare teenagers or old men because rapists are not human, not in the moment they are not. Ask them to be prepared for revenge, media attention and shit that comes as a packaged deal. If you can’t afford a gun, buy her a knife. A taser. Buy her anything that hurts her offenders more than they hurt her.

Be wary of all men. Including family. Remember that a rapist was driving your kids to school. Treat everyone with suspicion. Even your milkman. Your husband’s best friend. Your husband. Any thing that has a penis. Safety is just an illusion.

When your girl is old enough, send her to a country that treats its women with respect. Hard to find a place but there must be an island or two on the world map that will meet this requirement. Don’t trust Indian cities. All Indian cities are fucked up irrespective of which end of the map  you are looking at. So are the villages. Safe country is another illusion. Remember ‘Legitimate rape’?

Befriend policemen and politicians. Get to know your MLA. Choose a political party. Buy them booze and cigarettes. Bribe them. Remember that you live in a country where you don’t get a fucking driving license without bribing someone, justice is a far, far call. Remember those kids who died saving their friend?

Teach your girl how to fight. Learn how to fight.

Teach your son to respect women. Teach him till he understands. If he doesn’t, shoot him too.

Make lots of friends. Only a mob can fight another.

If nothing else, buy them a poison pill so they can kill themselves while there’s still time. You’ll be arrested for abetment of suicide but it will probably be worth it.

Remember that there are more rapists out there than policemen and sometimes there’s no difference between the two.

Most of all.


Remember that every douchebag you tolerate now adds to a populace that’ll blame your girl for her suffering. They don’t care if she is 6-year-old or 66. It is always her fault. Or culture’s fault. Or chowmein’s fault. The most they’ll do is cancel the registration of a bus. That, for them, solves everything. That or the ‘maoist’ label.


That there is no Batman. Your fights are your own. To the the Government and the police you are just a statistic. Just another figure in their yearly compensation estimate. Nothing more.

Go to those candle marches. Burn a few candles. Burn a few men too. Just like they burnt that woman after her gang rape.

Sign petitions. It is easier than signing those medical inspection forms.

Vote. Topple governments. Two men threw a bomb in the assembly once. These are your bombs. Move governments, move ministers. Vote for scum that works for you rather than scum that works for no one. Play dirty, those goons who tease your daughter everyday already are.

Thank you once again for your outrage.

Keep it up.

Keep it burning.


Tantanoo’s survival guide for the end of the world, the latest twilight movie and other disasters: Part 1

According to a 5125 year old calendar-maker who got bored of counting days, Nostradamus and John Cusack, the world is coming to an end on 21st December 2012. While a lot of people dismiss this as a rumor or a theory, I firmly believe that this is true. Why? Because Sachin Tendulkar hasn’t announced his retirement yet. So when the world ends on 21st December 2012, Sachin remains unbeaten. Not out. See?

Also notice that the end of the world falls on a Friday. So you’d be waltzing into Heaven or Hell on the weekend. No need to book Hobbit tickets for Sunday then. They’ll probably be showing that in 3D in one of the punishment rounds in Hell. Over and over again.

In case you’ve decided not to give up and go down tweeting, you’ll need to come up with a plan. Like Kate Winslet did when she pushed Leonardo D’Caprio off the raft in Titanic. But since you’ve been busy tweeting and lining up for the latest iPhone, you can follow a simple three pronged plan to survive the end of the world.

In Part 1 of our survival kit, we give you the most important mantra for surviving the worst weekend in the History of mankind(since the weekend Jaani Dushman released):

So here goes, Tantanoo’s Apocalypse Survival Mantra No. 1: Team Up

I cannot stress this enough.

Unless you are Bruce Willis, do not attempt to survive the Apocalypse alone. It’s futile. It is like going to a Wimbledon mixed doubles match without a partner(or with Mahesh Bhupathi). So the first step of our genius plan is to team up with someone. Here are our top three picks for your perfect Apocalypse partner:

1.  Shia LaBeouf:

You read that right.


Shia LaBeouf tops our list of best partners for surviving any type of apocalypse. If you are thinking how a twenty-something scrawny lad will help you in surviving the horrors of doomsday, think again. Shia LaBeouf is no ordinary man.

To begin with he’s the son of Indiana-fucking-Jones!

This guy was dealing with Aliens and an ageing Harrison Ford when you were copying Chemistry assignments in the lab. Not only that, he was Constantine’s best friend. Then he befriended an Alien Camaro with feelings and a Truck with a sword. This guy has saved the earth multiple times from aliens, robots and more Megan Fox movies. When normal people die, they go to heaven. When Shia LaBeouf dies, he goes to robot heaven – and returns. That is how awesome he is. Easily the most recommended guy on our list to team up with. Once you are saved by Shia, you can kill him or dump him like both his leading actresses did. Win-win situation if you ask us.

2. Will Smith:

If Will Smith were somewhat younger now, he’d have had top position in our plan.


That or if he were the son of Indiana-fucking-Jones.

But even without those qualities, Will Smith ranks very highly in our Perfect-Partner-For-The-End-Of-The-World rankings. Will Smith has qualities that require multiple Linkedin profiles. He specializes in Aliens(including martin lawrence). He once drove an Alien spaceship to drop Jeff Goldblum and a Nuclear Bomb on an alien mothership. (Sadly, he had to bring Jeff Goldblum back because they were running out of babysitters for dinosaurs.) He apparently has super powers(and the worst superhero name) as well. He has also dealt with robots, zombies and Salma Hayek. He is especially useful in zombie situations since zombies love american rappers. His resume also features boxing and a son who learnt kung-fu from Jackie Chan(who learnt kung-fu from Priyadarshan movies). Need we say more?

3. Liam Neeson:


With Liam Neeson on your side, you get the combined awesomeness of Aslan, Qui-Gon Jinn, John ‘Hannibal’ Smith and Ra’s al Ghul. Just mention the word ‘kidnap’ and watch him go all George Bush on all aliens and zombies around.


An important part of teaming up is to know which ones to avoid. So here’s our top three people to avoid during an apocalypse:

1. Morgan Freeman: Because Morgan Freeman is God. So he is the one to be blamed for apocalypse and shit. Why’d you like to team up with someone whose only response to your cries of help is a ‘I told you so’ in a deep, comforting voice.


2. Sean Bean: Because –


3. Akshay Kumar: Because it is easier to put up with an apocalypse than an Akshay Kumar laugh.

Coming soon: Tantanoo’s survival guide for the end of the world, the latest twilight movie and other disasters: Part 2 – ‘Why your Kindle is useless during a Zombie Apocalpyse?’


(P.S.: Did you go for the latest twilight movie? Don’t wait till December 21st. Die already.)