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The Last Action Hero

by Tantanoo on April 2, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Posted In: Bhery Phunny, Movies Shoovies

As it turns out, apart from being the World ‘We did it for Sachin Tendulkar’ day, 2nd April is also Ajay Devgan’s birthday.

There was a time in the early nineties during my formative years(though the quantity of formation that happened in those formative years is debatable) when I was a die-hard Ajay Devgan fan. I mean, after mom convinced me that I cannot possibly be Sunny Deol ever, even if they feed me Complan intravenously. Those were tough times and I needed a new  hero, a new idol. And Ajay Devgan dirtbiked into my life.

 

2006-6-2_223048_ajay

(Classy since 1990)

 

For a scrawny teenager with a before-fairness-challenges complexion and side-parted hair, Ajay Devgan was the perfect idol. When Jigar released, I was regularly practicing fake jujitsu in the shower, throwing boiled eggs in the air and karatechopping them and fighting neighbourhood kids with blindfolded eyes. All this without a promise of a Karishma Kapoor. Not only did this boost my self-confidence, it also helped me lose all those milk teeth.

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(Last Action Hero)

But my devotion for Ajay Devgan steadly increased. He was after all a rage. His wikipedia page will tell you how he won the Filmfare Male Debut award for Phool aur Kante. I can tell you that two of my friends lost their groins while trying to emulate his bike stunts. He was the alpha and the omega at that time. All the angry young men in the industry were getting old and Ajay and others were quickly replacing them, taking action to another level. In those times, one of the most challenging roles in the industry was that of Ajay Devgan’s sister, what with all the Mohinish Behls of the industry running after them. And while he suffered huge losses on his family side(taking adequate revenge during climax), he continued to romance the best of the industry. Raveena Tandon, Sonali Bendre, Karishma Kapoor, Madhuri, Madhu, Sonali Bendre, Twinkle Khanna, Manisha Koirala, Sonali Bendre, Aishwarya Rai. You name them and Ajay Devgan had them behind a few trees and flowers.

Of course then he went on and did one brave thing after another. Like marrying Kajol. Imagine that shrieking voice early in the morning. I have trouble believing that Veeru Devgan is still alive and has not died by death-by-repeated-calls-of-Bauji. Or when he decided to make Raju Chacha. Ajay Devgan was a pioneer in the true sense of the word. There was a certain subtlety to his ways, the way he did his romance or the way he did his action. Or the way he danced.

Ajay also did the Antakshari playing world the greatest service ever by giving them the Tha Tha Tha song. He brought pride to the name ‘Raju’, which until then was reserved for Chaiwallahs and raddiwallahs. He is one of the few Bollywood actors who can act both with and without a mustache. We all know what happened when Anil Kapoor tried acting without a mustache. Kumar Sanu almost owes his entire career to Ajay Devgan.

Ajay Devgan was one of the best things to have happened to Bollywood in the 90s. Till he developed an aversion to vowels and started acting in movies like Rascal.

But here is wishing a very happy birthday to Ajay Devgan of the 90s. The way I’d like to remember him.

 

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Shor in the city.

by Tantanoo on March 13, 2012 at 6:25 am
Posted In: Aye-Photoshopper-mujhe-pyar-toh-kar

February, the month of lou, has been nothing short of a disaster for  me.

You see, I lost my internet connections.

All of them.

One wouldn’t allow me because I didn’t pay their bills.

One can’t provide me a connection because I live in a stupid apartment where pigeons need three written permissions to shit on the terrace.

And I lost the third one when my neighbor got his free wi-fi disconnected. (He suspected a foreign hand in his bills)

So I’ve surfed internet on my dashing Lava phone.

I’ve accidently retweeted conversations here and there.

I’ve not felt jealous about any of my Facebook friends in a long time.

February took me everywhere. To single digit Saving accounts balance to five digit credit card bills. Sleepless nights and sleepy days at work. Weekends where you look forward to the weekdays and weekdays that make you look forward to the weekends. I’ve been running in vicious circles all of February.

March has been more forgiving.

Still, I’ve been too busy to post something to this blog.

So here goes.

Here is a minimal(supposedly) poster that I made for Minimal Bollywood Posters.

shorinthecitysmall

Source: Uploaded here.

Till words return,

Cheers!

Tantanoo

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Aapko Hindi aati hai?

by Tantanoo on February 8, 2012 at 2:57 am
Posted In: Notes

There is this group of scamsters in Chennai that try to trick North Indians and Central Indians. These conmen, conwomen and con-children roam the streets of Chennai looking for Hindi speaking people. If they spot you talking in hindi, they’ll stop you and tell you that they are a family from Maharashtra and were traveling to Tirupati when their luggage was stolen and now they don’t have any money to return to their hometown. These guys, they hunt in packs of three – Man, woman and child. They’ll then do some major emotional blackmail on how ‘ek hindi bolne wala hi hindi bolne wale ki madad kar sakta hai’. They’ll tell you how people here don’t understand hindi and are not helping.

I ran into this group on two occasions.

I was walking to work one afternoon when one such group caught me off-guard on the way to Tidel Park(their usual route I think).  I was talking to mom on the phone when this guy stopped me and narrated his story. Being #foreverpoor that I am, I didn’t have any cash with me. Not even a coin. All I had were some Sodexo coupons. I offered this guy the coupons and told him that I can take him to a police station if he wants. The family wanted money and I had neither money nor the time so I dismissed the negotiations and walked away. After barely two minutes, another such group stopped me. I asked them if they were related and as usual(since I had no money and another person started abusing them in tamil) I fled the scene.

All the way back to office, I kept thinking whether these guys were genuine and whether I should have gone the distance and helped them. Later that day I got to know that this group and this exercise is very common and thanks to my credit card bills, I didn’t lose any money to these scamsters(because I am busy losing money to this bloody bank and its evil credit card).

Today, as I was walking to work, a man from another such group stopped me. He asked me the same question, with the same tinge of desperation in his voice.

‘Bhaiya, aapko hindi aati hai?’

…..

‘Nahi, bhaiya. Bilkul nahi aati’, I replied.

And I walked away.

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Sperm ho toh Nathoolaal(B.E.IIT-E) jaise hon, warna na hon.

by Tantanoo on January 20, 2012 at 3:13 am
Posted In: Views-on-News

After tigers, sperms are probably the most endangered wild animals in the world. Millions are produced everyday and very few actually get a chance to realize their potential. In such a cut-throat world, it is hardly surprising that an Indian couple posted an advertisement seeking ‘Sperms of an IITian’. (Not the students of Ideal Institute of Technology, Ghaziabad. The real ones.)

The couple is ready to pay 20,000 Rs. for the swimmers of any healthy, good looking IITian who doesn’t have any bad habits(apart from being studious). They are ready to compromise on height and complexion if the donor is right. They want to start a family filled with love and prosperity(with probably a wee bit more stress on the latter).

My own sperms have been moderately outraged at this advertisement and have decided to do a #OccupyVasDeferens to register their outrage. As it turns out, this advertisement has not only outraged my swimmers, but has also managed to disturb the mental peace of several IITians and non-IITians around the globe. Frankly, I don’t see any reason to outrage here. This advertisement is just a biological equivalent of every matrimonial advertisement you’ve ever seen. However the mention of a #worldfamous national institute(*cough* Jai Ram Ramesh*cough) puts this advertisement into the WTF section of major Indian dailies.

Infertility specialists from all over the country may disapprove but the couple do seem to have a point. Considering the per-capita emotions throttled in every male IITian, given the ratio of boys vs. girls on the campus, an IITian sperm is probably one of the horniest sperms around. And unlike the other horny sperms of the country, this one would be quite talented, unlike say its Kanpur University counterparts. The IITian sperm simply needs to come out of its hostel plumbing lines and become more mainstream.

 

IITSperm

 

However the advertisement in question could have been more detailed. For example, they do not specify whether the Sperm should belong to an IITian from an old IIT or one from the new ones would do. It also doesn’t specify whether the IITian should be a B.tech wala IITian or a M.Tech wala IITian(because an true IITian will tell you that the latter is an IITian in theory but not in practice). The advertisement also doesn’t specify any CGPA or JEE AIR that the IITian must have. Also, 20000 Rs. is just not enough. Firstly, the price has to be in dollars. Secondly, it has to be more than that awarded to any Indian Sperm ever. (unless it is an IIM sperm)

Another question worth pondering is whether an IITian’s sperm will grow up to be an IITian. I mean, as a sperm, I may have been very talented. I could probably code an Angry Bird app from the womb or play Hotel California with the umbilical cord back then. But as I grew up, things got fucked up. The same may happen to this IITian sperm. What if it decides to give up on life, like at least two characters in every Vidhu Vinod Chopra movie? What if it decides to grow up and become Chetan Bhagat? or worse, Arjun Rampal?

Non-IITians(like me) would probably use this piece of news to diss the IITs. Something that I’ve been doing since I scored AIR 5^36 in IIT JEE. Others would use it to fuel circular arguments like ‘Some of the most successful people I know are not from IIT and some of the dumbest people I know are from IIT’. But to tell you the truth, If I ever needed sperms(Biology forbid), I’d go for a politician’s sperm. Probably the smartest and richest sperm around. A politician’s sperm could bribe its way to the vagina even if it is the slowest slimmer.

 

MLA Sperm

Plus with all the walkouts experience, pay-rise, the ability to fuck-up every system they touch and the magic of making money where money doesn’t exist, this is the best sperm possible in the history of spermatogenesis.

If prosperity is the defining metric for selective natural selection, then an IPL sperm would be a decent buy too. I mean where else would you find a sperm endorsed  by the curviest Bollywood heroines, hugged by corporate big-wigs and frowned upon by the ICC?

IPLSperm

(On the downside, they sometimes don’t show up in Tests)

The more musically inclined families can go for a Ranbir Kapoor-esque sperm who goes ‘AATHEY RAQ’ every now and then. Though their prosperity quotient can be reasonably questioned, there is no doubt that they’ll spread a lot of lou(and sex). Good at breaking barricades, a rockstar sperm is a great way to have a musical labour period.

rockstarsperm

 

And for those of use who can’t afford all these exotic sperms, we can always buy the Social Media sperm, available at a Facebook page near you.

seosperm

 

All said and done, I understand this couple’s desire to have an IITian kid. It is 2012 and brands matter. They always have. From wedding cards to Facebook user names, our degrees and the brands that we associate ourselves with, follow us everywhere. Even into labor rooms. A Polytechnic sperm just doesn’t cut it. Everyone wants a kid that’s the human equivalent of an Onida TV – ‘Neighbour’s envy, owner’s pride’.

But I do wish this couple a happy married life and some success with their endeavor. I just hope their offspring doesn’t come with this tattoo:

merabaap

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STOP SOPA and PIPA – Tantanoo.com goes Black

by Tantanoo on January 19, 2012 at 2:19 am
Posted In: Khali Fokat

SIRIUSLY-sirius-black-23340853-500-331

(via. here)

Read more on SOPA/PIPA here.

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Recent Posts

  • National Cartoon
  • The Last Action Hero
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  • STOP SOPA and PIPA – Tantanoo.com goes Black
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