Dear friends, readers and that occasional Renuka Shahane admirer, welcome to the second edition of ‘Tantanoo goes house-hunting in Chennai’.
In the last episode, you read about my adventures with Sulekha.
This episode begins with a riddle: duraipakamoppAKDRtowergrndflorfivehundredmfromOMR
This was one of the clues on the Amazing Race – Shollinganallur Edition and as you might have guessed, it translates to “Thoraipakkam, Opposite AKDR Tower, Ground Floor, Five hundred meters from Old Mahabalipuram Road” (I think). With advertisements like these, I had almost given up on the interwebz. I had also never imagined that bachelorhood was going to be such a big hurdle in such an insignificant test in life. So I decided to give up on bachelorhood too.
During this time, I also contacted someone called Mr. Money. I sent a senti text message to him wondering if he’d consider bachelors for his house. Mr. Money wrote an elaborate response to my emotional message – ‘NO’.
Anyway, how often do you get a chance to meet someone called Money?
We were in constant touch with brokers who showed us 37 apartments all near Indira Nagar Water Tank. One of them was in a locality that’ll feature in Slumdog Millionaire’s sequel. Then we saw another one, that was actually in a decent place but the owners had an overnight change of heart and informed us the next day that they probably won’t let it out to bachelors. Then we saw a few apartments in a neighbourhood that’s the underbelly of the RO Water syndicate that converts corporation water into bullion(a RO water distributor once offered a friend of mine a job supplying water cans that paid more than his software-job salary but that’s for another day). The cherry on the cake was this apartment in the same area that had a different color on each wall. So one wall was pink, the next one yellow and the one right next to it was green. There was a brown wall in there somewhere as well. It had two beds, both from different parts of India.
(Hope was running as thin as Keira Knightly)
I had some help though. A friend from twitter(and Facebook) who wishes to stay anonymous, sent me a message that read as if it has come from ISI:
Agent – 990031231231231
Agent 2 – 99812621231212
Agent 3 – 89213127124213
Agent Alwarpet – 9921312731273
Agent Anand – 993298423423
Agent Gopalapuram – 98234823423424
Agent Jinnah Bhai – 983242342342
Agent Mohan – 993298423423
Agent Munish – 9921312731273
Agent Pugazh – 993298423423
Agent Senthil – 9921312731273
Agent Thomas – 993298423423
Agent Tony – 9921312731273
Agent Vinayagham – 993298423423
Jinnah and Anand are recommended.
The only thing missing in that message was an Agent Vinod.
The craiglist person from the previous episode responded, btw:
I had a few questions:
a) Who will be signing the agreement? One person or all of you? What happens is one person leaves the group?
d) Who will take responsibility for upkeep of the house?
c) Nowadays the security conditions are very stringent. Are you willing to sign the police form with photo etc?
These are some of the questions I had. I have nothing against bachelors but due to illegal activities there are a lot of security considerations.
I actually wanted to meet this guy and answer all his questions while trying to keep a straight face but then a friend’s boss’s boss contacted us and we learned that his house is emptay!
So, come October, I’ll be living in this house that’s both in Chennai and not in Chennai(it’s behind the DLF IT Park, I have my doubts). It’s the Schrodinger’s cat of houses.
and I hate it.
I hate change.
I hate it more than I hate Youtube ads. Most of all, I hate the idea of not living in this apartment anymore. This house has been some semblance of a home in Chennai. Once upon a time when I was struggling in a PG accomodation with water so hard, it turned my ass into pumice stone, I chanced upon the ad for this house. We fought with the PG guy, lost a bit of money and moved into this apartment. It was a fully-serviced apartment with multiple geysers and multiple bais. I could see my office from the balcony along with some pretty women and balding uncles in veshtis gathering for evening adda. We didn’t pay any safety deposit and my roommates were awesome. There was a basketball hoop, two TT tables and a Japanese restaurant. There was a driveway and a banyan tree. There were pigeons – having sex, infiltrating the kitchen, playing antakshari early in the morning and most importantly – shitting on the AC. There were card games that lasted all night and then people went to office and ran the same script multiple times on a production server and almost got fired. There were marathon chai sessions followed by carrom sessions followed by more chai. There were girls living in the apartment across the floor. There was a wi-fi connection that was named after their flat. There were jamming sessions with lyrics on a Macbook and chords on an iPhone.
It will be tough leaving all this behind(and traveling 13 kilometers a day to bitch about OpenOffice). But now I live with people with hairy chests who refuse to wear t-shirts. People who watch Life OK for hours while nibbling on a Snickers bar and would bicker over 30 bucks. People who’ve abused the fridge so much, it sometimes weeps at night. People who I feel should be castrated so they don’t produce more of their kind(yeah, I hate them THAT much).
So for the greater good of mankind(and for the greater good of my blood pressure), I’ll be moving to a new address, a new home. It’s a blank canvas and I’ll get to color it as I want. If all is well, I’ll probably have @prdyt as a neighbour and we’ll form a coalition and bring Twitter down. There’ll be more stories, more lafda to blog about.
and there’ll always be pigeons.